Pretending
by Supernatural Goddess
Summary: Erik's thoughts about the whole deal with Asher. Just why he did some of the things he did. Mentions of attempted suicide as well as slash.


**This popped into my head so I decided to write. R+R please**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl and am making no money off of this.**

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I'll always remember Asher as my first boyfriend, if you can even call him that. Looking back on it I'm not even sure why I went out with him.

I'd made a mistake. I wasn't going to be one of those people I had met at the center who attempted suicide and then acted like it never happened. It did happen and now I was facing the consequences. I was in a rehabilitation center and put on suicide watch and I wasn't going to deny it.

It was during group that I met Asher. Like me he made a mistake and was facing up to it even though it was hard. Now I wonder if that to was all an act. He was released before I was, maybe he was trying to convince everyone he'd come to terms with it so they'd release him early. I'll never know if he was or not and maybe that's a good thing.

We ran into each other after that and got to talking. It seemed as if we had so much in common; both from the Upper East Side, both here at the center, and as I found out later, both gay.

He was smart, cool, and nice. Sometimes I can't help but think about if he was really as nice as I thought he was. He certainly wasn't the last time I saw him. I can't help but think that I was so caught up in finding someone that seemed so perfect that I subconsciously ignored everything that didn't fit into the picture I'd painted of him.

Another thing I'll never know the answer too. And maybe like with the first its better that way.

After I was released we got together a few times. Maybe a bit more than a few times. It seemed great at the time. I had a great boyfriend, I was back at home, and people were finally starting to treat me like a person, not a piece of glass that will break at the slightest touch.

I should have known it wouldn't last. Should have opened my eyes to everything and everyone around me. I knew what it was like on the Upper East Side. I knew that rarely anyone ever stays together. Look at my mom, she's engaged to Bart but is still in love with Rufus.

Things went downhill. Jenny got a new boyfriend, one I knew all too well. Asher told me he didn't really care about her, that it was just so that no one suspected he was gay before he was ready to come out. I felt bad that he was using Jenny, she was my friend. But I went along with it, something I regretted almost instantly.

I was jealous I'll admit. But I also didn't want to see my only real friend get hurt. So I warned her about him, she mistook it to mean I liked her. She didn't want to think that her boyfriend wasn't who she thought he was and I couldn't blame her as I knew the feeling.

Then we were caught, by Dan no less. He didn't know it was me but it'd only be a matter of time. He'd teamed up with Blair and her ability to find out whatever she wanted to both amazed and frightened me.

Serena's friend Georgina was back in the city. She knew I could tell. I don't know how she found out but she did. I was only the smallest bit surprised when she said it. I figured she would, I'd never really trusted her.

Mom was shocked. I knew she'd react this way and I didn't blame her even though it hurt me a little. Serena talked to me, she'd always looked out for me, I'd never told her just how much I appreciated it but I think she knew.

It was then I finally woke up from the daydream I'd been in for nearly the past year. I knew what I had to do. I wasn't really looking forward to it but I had to.

So I went to Asher's party. Blair was reluctant to say everything for fear of hurting me. No matter how much she'd love to bring down Jenny. It was okay though, it was finally time.

Asher denied it. Even went as far as to call me something that I'd rather not say. He wasn't anywhere near as nice as I'd thought. Maybe he never had been. I turned away and told Blair to do it. There'd be rumors and I might get picked on but I didn't care.

I was, who I was and still am, and I'm not ashamed of that. I'm no longer going to pretend to be someone I'm not.


End file.
